Let's Start Living!!

For the last 2 years we have put off traveling, taking weekend trips, visiting anyone for more than a couple hours....reason??? Well, we knew that Kaden would eventually have a transplant and we wouldn't be tied down to doing dialysis for 10 hours a day, everyday. It takes a fairly large machine and a mind boggling amount of supplies. Not the easiest thing to mess with while being mobile. So we never did...always said we would just wait until he was transplanted and we wouldn't have to mess with it. Now that dialysis is going to be a part of our lives for many years to come, it is time to stop putting off the things we have been wanting to do....yes, IT IS TIME TO START LIVING!

My new project in my life is to brainstorm and make plans for all the places we want to visit, whether that is a true vacation or fun weekend trips. Kaden has already put his vote in for Disney World.....our thoughts on that.....ABSOLUTELY! He loves John Deere tractors, so I thought we could make a weekend trip to Moline, IL where there is a really neat JD museum. We heard about a nice place to go see old restored cars. Travis and I have visited the Newport Aqaurium in Cinci and think Kaden and Karina would both enjoy it. These are just some of the places that are going on our list.

I have to say I have been enjoying this new "project" that I have been working on. It gives us something to look forward to and it makes me feel good to think that we ARE going to make life fun and normal for Kaden. Making life fun for Kaden is much more than taking a road trip here and there. We are going to make an effort in everday life. Dialysis is NOT going to hold us back anymore....Kaden deserves the simple pleasures of getting out there and experiencing the carefree life of a 5 year old. So....that is what we are going to do....and I am exciteded to get started! We just need to be discharged from this hospital!!!!!!

If anyone has any ideas on neat places for us to take the kids, we would love the suggestions!

Moving forward

Travis and I knew as soon as Kaden was off the vent and the knockout meds that go along with it, he was going to be asking some questions. Well today he asked me if Daddy's kidney was in him yet. As much as we were dreading this conversation, we had to be truthful without saying anything too scary. The only thing I'll say about our talk with Kaden is that he knows now, he's sad, yet he is looking forward to getting another kidney. There were a handful of times today when he would just get a little weepy with a few tears. He says he just wants to go home. We know he is going to go through a grieving period and he will continue to ask questions. We will try to do our best to reassure him that he will be okay and we CAN and WILL get through whatever comes our way.

I have a lot to work on within myself. I'm feeling very sad, extremely angry, alone, amazed, proud, and loved. I know my attitude about the whole situation is important because Kaden is going to look to Travis and I for answers and cues about how to feel about everything. It is hard when all I want to do is kick, scream, and break things....great example, right? I have also noticed that I waste a lot of energy getting irritated when I hear others complain about things that I think are trivial. My child has been at death's door twice in his short life so far...and some have the nerve to complain to me about how terrible their life is because of something insignificant? I just think that we should all be thankful for the good things in life and stop complaining. I say "we" because I know, to some people, my child's health problems seem like an irritating runny nose compared to what they have gone through. I need to work on not being so hurt, and I need to work on not complaining because I know it could be a lot worse. We all need to have a little perspective. I apologize for sounding really crappy, but I figure it is my blog and I can talk about my feelings even though I'm not proud of admitting some things. I try to be positive, but it is hard when you feel like you have been knocked to the ground, then continued to be kicked while you're already down.

The title to this post is moving forward....and that is exactly what I intend to do. Move forward through this journey we are on and hope that along the way we have more smiles than tears. 

Our worst nightmare ...

Instead of writing about the excitement of a new life with a new kidney, I am writing about the nightmare turned reality of the last 6 days. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and realize that this is all just a really bad dream. But each morning I wake up and the reality hits me smack in the face. I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to tell Kaden that his new kidney stopped working and that he will have to be on dialysis for many years before we can possibly try again. It is going to kill me to see his face when he finds out. After almost a week of hell and we are right back to where we started. No, I take that back...we are much worse than where we started. My sweet Kaden has had 4 surgeries in 6 days....soon to be 5 once he becomes more stable. How much can his little body take?

I am heartbroken, angry, confused, and just beat down. I will continue to grieve for the loss we have had, but I am so thankful that Kaden is alive. We know not every parent with their child in the ICU can say that. Kidney or no kidney, we still have Kaden.

Everyone at Riley has been trying so hard to do all they can for Kaden. He is loved by so many. We know we have a pretty special boy. His strength, courage, and resilience amaze me. I am so honored to be called Kaden's Mommy.

What a Day.....

It's the end of the day and all is well. It's funny how a day can be one of the hardest of your life, yet one of the best too. I remember feeling that way when Kaden was born.....it was one of the best days of my life and the most frightening.

I can't find the words to describe how blessed I am to have 2 special boys in my life. Travis and Kaden....you both make me so happy and so proud. How did I get so lucky?

I felt such relief to finally hear that Travis and Kaden we out of surgery and doing well. I felt so much weight lifted off me (wish it was actual weight, but unfortunately it wasn't). It is times like this when you realize how many wonderful people care about you and your family. I mean really care. It is the best feeling. We had many over at the IU hospital waiting room and many over at Riley's too. The outpour of love and support was mind boggling. I am so grateful for that.

I can't sleep, so I figured why not post something? This time I don't have Karina to help me. Looking forward for her to come in for a visit. Missing my little stinker....

Off to go try to get some sleep....HA....they do a full assessment on Kaden every 30 minutes! Maybe I'll get some sleep next week!  Good night!

Happy Transplant Eve!!!

Yes, the big day is finally arriving! March 9th will always be a holiday in our household....We are spending our last day packing, making sure everything is in place at home, and just trying to wrap our brains around the whole thing.

Kaden is one excited boy right now! We have our "Kaden's Kidney Countdown" where Kaden marks off a day each night before bed. Last night Miss Becky, his teacher, dropped off a present and the cutest cards that his friends at school made for him. That was so good for him to hear his friends miss him and love him, and can't wait to play with him again. It was too stinkin'cute!

I have to say that we have the most wonderful, caring, thoughtful, and loving people in our lives. I am so grateful for all the support we have received through the years. There are no words to appropriately thank everyone. It is simply amazing!

As I'm writing this, Karina has been "helping" me type this blog. It is going to be difficult to find time to blog, but I will attempt it. Speaking of Karina, she is now a pro at walking. She is also obsessed with wearing jewelry...it is a crack up! She is such a girly girl...and I love it!

Okay, I'm getting tired of fighting off Karina, so this will have to be it. Next time I blog I hope to have exciting Kaden news to share! Thanks for taking time to read my blog!